If you think a Demogorgon is scary, then you’ve never been on a date in your 30’s.

So you’ve binge watched season 2 of Stranger Things in 24 hours and your Halloween decorations are in the bin, but you’re not quite ready to sling on the Christmas jumper yet and crave one last autumn spook? Come in, draw up a chair and let me tell you of the true horror, which befalls lonely singletons this cold cuffing season. 

For I have been dodging vampire bites since 2012 and have busted myself a ghost or two, so let me navigate you safely out of the dinner party with Hannibal Lecter and arm you with all the silver bullets and wooden stakes that you will need when you are over 30 and single.

Ghosts

Ghosts, ghouls and ghoulies are the mainstay of any Tinder Nightmare. Have you even Internet dated if the ‘one’ disappears off the face of the earth the day they are due to meet your mother? Ghosts in truth are cowards, they are the people that can’t quite brace themselves to send the “it’s not me, it’s you text”. But trust me, pals, it’s them; it’s almost always them. 

Whether your date has been abducted by aliens, haunting the halls of Whipstaff Manor or taken a ‘Gone Girl’ vacation, you need to admit yourself it is over, delete and block that number and move the hell on. Blocking is an essential part of putting a final nail in a poster’s coffin, for without it, you’ll find you’ve got yourself a Zombie. 

Zombies

Just when you have mended your achy break heart following the apparent death and ghosting of your favourite online amor, that inevitable text of “Hey Stranger” flashes up on your phone and Holy, mother of Jesus, you’ve got yourself a Zombie

Now, if you can keep these Zombies at a distance you may just be OK, but let them even within a whiff of your front door and before you know it, you wake up in bed with half your brain missing, knowing that much like your beloved Hamster when you were 6 years old, only a shovel can put you out of your misery. 

The block button, it is your friend. 

The Invisible Man

Not the scariest monster on the block, the Invisible Man is more a crusher of emotional dreams than wet pantingly scary. You may be able to keep most of your bodily functions under control in his presence except for the fact that is the one thing you will never get from him, his presence. The Invisible Man is the guy you’ve been talking to for 2 months and who you have mentally moved into every area of your life, except he can’t quite make the journey 10 minutes down the road to physically date you.

Unless you’re a N.E.W.T level professor in Hogwarts and have access to those sweet, sweet conjuring spells, he is not appearing any time soon, and like the Zombies and Ghosts in the world, you need to block him Pal. 

The Bogeymen

Now we’ve all met a Bogeyman once in our lives, they’re the guys that give you those gross feelings that range from anything like the ‘ick’ to wanting to scrub your skin with exfoliating mitts for 8 days. Bogeymen are your creeps, your slime balls, your Louis CK’s. 

Bogeymen take all kind of forms and it is acceptable to give them all a nickname and share these stories far and wide so they can be avoided on all occasions. Like the “Toilet Jerker!” The Toilet Jerker (TJ) was a Bogeyman who invited himself to my friends home one lonely evening and at first, everything seemed to be going swimmingly. So swimmingly in fact that my friend agreed to provide TJ with a little trumpet solo on the lounge sofa. However, whilst she worked her way to the crescendo, and prior to him depositing a portion of Cupid’s toothpaste into her mouth, he stated that ‘girls don’t like it,’ and immediately stood up and did the penguin shuffle to her bathroom whilst she sat alone on the floor and he did the horizontal bop with the back of her porcelain bowl. I suggested it would have been this moment that I would have run to the bedroom mirror and screamed ‘Candyman’ at myself 5 times, in the hope that he would have leaped out at me and offered less ‘icky’ company for the evening (or at least put me out of my misery). But alas, she was left with having to politely show him the door and call friends for counselling and mental memory flossing. 

Bogeymen, spread your stories far and wide, and then change those locks. 

Vampires

They notice you before you notice them. At first you think their presence is insignificant and then you can’t remember a time they weren’t there. They envelop your whole life, and soon your life is only them. They see the light in you, and they dim it, they shroud it and they take it for themselves, until there is little left of you, just an empty shell where once you sparkled. Run from them my friend, and don’t look back. 

So have you dodged the monsters online? Vanquished a Ghost or two, let me know in the comments below, we can create our own Ghost Busters. 


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