In an age where ‘It’s just banter, Mate’ is used as any excuse to be offensive or a bit of a dick, it is quite an achievement how little ‘bants’ (I just sicked in my mouth a little) the average person has in the world of online dating. I am not sure what it is about signing up to a dating website that turns usually quite interesting and humorous individuals into a posse of Tim Henman cyborgs but alas the Internet is full of them. Having a conversation on Tinder is like waxing your vagina, painful, dry and likely to make you feel a bit uncomfortable if you don’t do it properly.
This is no Jane Austen movie, people; there are no odes of love being brought on horseback by dashing people in ruffled collars. You will be lucky if you get a “wuu2” text at 2am on a Sunday morning. So I am fighting back, I will not stand any more of this dull as dish water hogwash of a conversation. If you’re an online user, or know someone who is, then send these tips onto them, and lets spice up our dating sparring sessions, no dick pics required.
Saying hello is awkward, but you can get over it.
You’re standing at the bar, you see them across the room, palms sweaty, frog in your throat, and what do you do now? If the answer is to go over, whack your genitals under their nose and tell them to lick it, then Dear Heart, there is no hope for you, and you should exit side left. However, if you’re the sort of person to smile, grab eye contact, even go over and make conversations then we can work with you. Saying ‘Hi’ to someone you fancy is difficult both in real life and online. In reality you could be rejected, humiliated or ignored, and online is much the same. However, the online world is likely to be much less brutal, if you can get the conversation started at all. People are inundated with messages every time they log on, so can you make yours stand out…or get someone else to message you in the first place.
Get them to message first.
If your profile is blank or you’ve added “Will fill in later”, don’t be surprised if your inbox is as empty as Vanilla Ice’s bank account. You’re the equivalent to the sulky teenager who turns up to their first interview, grunts expletives when asked what they would bring to the role, then acts surprised when it’s a firm no at the end of it. If you’re too much of a Frigid Phil to say Hi to someone, then changing up your profile is the easiest way to get them to do the hard work. And how do we do that? By filling out your bloody profile.
OK, sure, filling out your profile is a challenge in itself. “I love Netflix and Travel”. Yes, mate so does every other single person in the country. Yawn. Be specific, let the person reading know what you’ve got to offer and give them an ‘in’. ‘Ins’ can be anything from a wildly specific TV shows (my choice is Community and Sons of Anarchy), destinations you have actually been and where you want to go (did I tell you I used to live in Mexico?), quirky traits (Dad joke lover and pun appreciator), or your favourite things (a packet of Skips and a game of terms – honestly, I have lost count of the amount of times I have lied about my top score). Failing all of that ask them a question on your profile – “I love breakfast and I am looking for new places to go local to me, want to come?” and watch the messages begin to trickle in.
Dirty talk is an art form, not an opener.
Sometimes you’ve just got to scratch an itch. I get it. Not every date is the ‘one’ and unless you’re a member of Geordie Shore, being single can be a lonely, and sexless place. Not everyone on dating sites are looking for love, occasionally you just want a Deliveroo blow job and pizza, preferably with someone who can provide both. But starting any conversation with sexy talk is likely to leave most recipients nether regions drier than a plate of Tubby Toast. If you would rather be seen as the charming devil someone can’t wait to bring home rather than the weird one wanking in the corner, don’t start any online conversation with dirty talk. Just don’t.
I don’t give a shit about your weekend
I am going to say it. I would rather receive a dick pic than getting the following message:
‘Hi, How’s your weekend’
Tell me, when did you last ask someone about their weekend and generally give a shit about the answer? It’s the sort of question you ask Doreen on reception as you rush upstairs to your desk 20 minutes late as usual. Do you have time for Doreen to break down her weekend to hourly sound bites about her dog that’s got worms or how her kids got the shits? Most definitely not. Do you care about her romantic meal with Steve or the new knickers she’s bought from Tesco. God Damn no. I can barely raise the enthusiasm to give a shit about my actual friends weekends, let alone Bill, 33 from Slough. The only acceptable response to “How was your weekend?” is “Good thanks, you?” “Yeah good thanks”. Fabulous, so that’s that conversation finished, lovely, lets continue swiping to the next one. Unmatched.
Be your bloody lovely self.
You are great. Do you know that? You have people that like you for you. Friends that want to spend time with you, whether it’s because you’re the kind one, the listener, the funny one, and the wild one. You bring something to the world and you should bring that to your online chitchat. Stop over thinking those messages, don’t curtail what you were going to say, just be your self and let the person on the other end get to know you. Yes, it may be awkward, you might feel vulnerable and yes it may well go tits up. But life is far too short for boring conversations, so just stop it. Be your self.
On that note I am off for a little swipe and some chit chat about Skips and my wonderful weekend. Are you struggling with striking up a conversation? Or bored of talking about the same old things? Come chat to me on twitter and instagram and we can bring back the art of the conversation.